As I awoke this morning,l I found myself immediately talking to God as I worked on waking up for the day. Still under the covers, I started talking to God about my emotions and what I was feeling. I started telling Him that I just couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t understand why I could never seem to get things right. I just felt that I wasn’t “cutting it” with what was expected of me from Him. As I contemplated my life here on earth up til now, I just couldn’t help but believe that I wasn’t getting the “job” done for God on behalf of God. I’m supposed to proclaim His healing over my body when I have ailments, pain, or sickness. I do it but it just doesn’t seem to be working. I say it over and over and over again. Ah, yes, but do I believe what I am saying? That’s the trick. And, yes, I do believe what I’m saying which is why it has been so frustrating and disheartening when I actually realize that I’m just not getting done what God needs me to get done. I went over and over in my head all the things I thought I was supposed to be doing for Him. Reaping and sowing and planting those seeds that I know I am supposed to be doing. I thought I was doing this but, in hindsight, I can’t help but feel that I’m falling short of what has been expected of me. I thought God wanted me as His Warrior but perhaps I was wrong about that too. I was just beating myself up on everything …. me, my life here on earth, and my personal walk with God.
I got so upset that I found myself crying while silently thinking about all I had fallen short of. I couldn’t possibly see myself even making it to heaven when my time on earth is done. Of course, all these thoughts, even though I may not have been voicing them verbally, were being sent up to God in quiet prayer, as I lay there crying about how I had once again disappointed my God, my Father, my Master. I felt so bad about it that the tears were just flowing like a waterfall. I kept telling God how sorry I was and how grateful I was to Him that He allowed me to come back to Him once again. Although I just kept finding myself apologizing to Him for always having fallen short of what I needed to do for Him on His behalf.
In between the thought process, I became very much aware of the tears I was crying. The reason I became apparent of my tears was because I also became aware of a tear I felt on my face, in particular. I felt this tear on my forehead as it proceeded to drip down towards my eyes. I thought it odd to have felt a tear there as my tears were flowing from my eyes down towards my chin. I lifted my arm up to make sure I wasn’t dreaming this and felt the actual tear of water that was there. Then my mind began to wander. How did this tear drip down on me? Could it have been a leak from the window above me? No, that can’t be because that window has never been open as we sleep. Considering it a bizarre sensation, I just thought it was all in my head. But then, no, another tear. Again dripping onto the upper part of my forehead. Now it had my attention. I knew these tears were not coming from my natural sources, my eyes. So, where did they come from?
Then I started thinking, “what is this all about”?????? Then it dawned on me that it had to have come from God Himself. He had to have been standing over me in some way where the tears from His eyes were falling onto my forehead. I couldn’t believe it but then what else could it have been? So my next thought was directed to God Himself. I remember asking Him, “God are you crying for me? Why would you do that? What is it about me that would cause you to cry over me?” All I remember hearing is, “My Child”. Then I listened intently to hear what He had to say to me. I could tell there was sadness in His voice. I realized that I had misunderstood something. I had the wrong understanding of something I needed to know and God was unhappy about it. I never thought that God would be the one crying over me or be unhappy and disheartened by what I was thinking or speaking to Him about. Then I felt so horrible for having caused my God this unhappiness. I knew God was with me and I couldn’t help but continue to tell Him how sorry I was that I made Him cry. Moreso than that, I remember saying how could I possibly cause my God, my Father, my Master to cry over me. I remember asking Him what could I do to make Him happy and pleased with me again. All I remember is seeing Him smile over me as if to let me know that I did what I had to do.
I put Him FIRST which is where He needs to be. He mattered to me and I finally got my head back on straight again, free from all the worldly influences and completely devoted to Him and Him alone.
I walked away from this experience feeling better and once again in a state of awe that He would actually cry over me. I’ve never had God show me His feelings in quite this way. I now knew that I had the relationship with Him that I once had before and that erased everything else I was pondering over as I no longer needed to spend any further time on trying to figure it all out. It’s not my job to figure things out. It’s God’s job. Now I’m free to do everything He needs me to do. I’m free to reap and sow and plant wherever and whenever it is needed.