Chapter 13 – Sleepless Night

Two nights ago, I found myself tossing and turning and not able to sleep. I was at war with myself and felt like I was being tugged with one belief and then tugged the exact opposite way with a totally different belief. My stomach was all twisted up in knots over it. I don’t know what I was so undecisive about. I only knew that it was tearing me apart. Being an emotional wreck over this turmoil, I really didn’t know how to rectify it. I kept crying out to God asking for His help. I wasn’t hearing from Him and I wasn’t feeling any comfort or consolation from Him, like I normally do when I cry out to Him.

I was distraught and in tears as I didn’t know what to do. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I rectified the unknown. God was not going to let me rest until I made a decision. But on what or for what? I had no idea what I needed to do. I was very antsy about the feelings and emotions I was experiencing but I still couldn’t pinpoint what was so important that it was keeping me up.

Then it dawned on me. I was feeling very uneasy and uncomfortable about my life and about the direction I felt it was going. I was focusing and centering my efforts and actions on particular topics of interest to me that I would work on for very long hours, day in and day out, yet not gaining a sense of accomplishment or achievement. Yet I pursued it with even more determination and persistence as every day went by. Well, I finally realized as I sat there unable to sleep, that God was now intervening with me and not allowing me to sleep until I had resolved and rectified this ongoing battle I was having with myself. I was going against God’s plans for me all this time and I never realized it. That happens and sometimes, when you don’t even realize it, God will lovingly step in to help you realize the errors of your ways. That was happening to me this night. I guess I overstepped my bounds and it was time for my Dear Father in Heaven to step in and reprimand me.

After hours of tears and crying out to God asking Him to let me see what the underlying reason was for me to not be able to sleep, He finally came through for me (as He always does), and what a difference it made! Finally! It began to make sense to me. I realized that I needed to make a major decision that night as to what direction I was going to take for the rest of my life. I realized that there were two choices I had to pick from. Quite simple really. There was the world’s way of living and then there was God’s way of living. THAT was what this was all about. God had caused me to be restless as it was now necessary for me to choose one over the other and vow to stick to it for the rest of my life. He saw the mistakes, the sins, the errors of my ways throughout my life and now it was time for me to make a final decision regarding the way in which I was going to live the rest of my life. I could either live it according to the ways of the world …. which is what I had been doing for days, weeks, months and years or I could choose to live according to God’s way of life which is what I needed to proclaim this night before attaining a peaceful night of rest. That’s all I had to do. How much more simple could the solution to my sleeplessness be????

Upon realizing that I had to make a decision that night, I realized just how foolish, petty and selfish I had been to be actively pursuing my own selfish desires. I had, once again, put God aside and God was letting me know that He was not happy with this. The Bible’s verse, “delight in the Lord and you shall have the desires of your heart”, came ringing back to my memory. Of course. I should have known. That’s what this is all about. I had put God on a back burner, once again, and He was letting me know that that was not ok with Him. Understandable.

I never meant to put Him on a back burner and He knew that as well. But it was time to ring my bell and get me back on track. I had been wrestling with many things like this for weeks and praying to God for help but no help was coming. Which, by the way, is an answer in itself from God. I guess God wanted me to figure it out for myself over these past weeks but it just wasn’t happening.  So God, as the good Father He is, intervened this night.

I felt so good after finding out why I was going through this restlessness. I had no problem with making the needed decision and verbally proclaimed my final decision to Him. I chose to live the rest of my life for Him and I chose to live according to God’s way of life for the rest of my life. I never felt better after proclaiming it to the world right there in bed. It was such a simple thought and action I needed to do for God that I wish I had saved myself all the anguish I had been going through by having declared this weeks ago. It’s all I had to do. I had to make the FINAL declaration as to which world I was choosing to live by and I fell fast asleep, with no tears, upon having declared it.

I hadn’t been writing this book for Him in days as I was too involved with spending my every waking hour working on creating new websites for my newest pursuit of breaking into the property investment world. Before that, I was putting the finishing touches on my real estate website so it could finally make its way to the internet for all to see and use. Up until I began to work on these websites, I had resolved that God was working on me in one way and completing that task before taking me on to another task needing to be tended to. Then that task would be achieved and I would move on to the next and so on. Well, after this restless night of sleep, I realized that the tasks involved here were of the world and not of God’s world and ways. I had wrongly understood what was truly going on and God had to give me a startling sensation in order for me to see it the way it needed to be seen.

My eyes have been open, once again, and I am back on track. I am so grateful that we have such a loving, kind and merciful God, as our Father. He loves us so much that He allows us to attempt to do what is necessary but will intervene, when needed, to help us get back on track.

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